I never wanted children. I had always been sure about that. It was not even a question to think about for me, until I reached the magical age of 30 and had met my husband. All of a sudden, I had these thoughts that made me wonder if I shouldn’t at least consider having children. I did consider it, both while we were still living in Germany and after we moved to Hong Kong for business.
We gave pregnancy a try. This first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage that had to be removed by operation. All my inner conflicts, doubts and fears came up again: Shall children be a part of my life concept after all? I wrote a diary during this difficult time and published it.
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"I don’t want to have children. I’ve always known that, and I still essentially feel the same today. I love my life, I love myself. And I don’t feel like having enough time or money for children."
"My anti-pregnancy attitude is consistently dampened whenever I’m in India. I don’t know what it is about this country that has this effect on me."
"When I think about how tactless people were asking about our plans to have children, particularly after the wedding, it still makes my hackles rise."
"Whereas women are always the worst age for a job, men are essentially always the best age. In terms of gender equality and equal opportunities, the situation is Germany is unfortunately very far removed from the ideal."
"I had absolutely no desire not to work for six weeks before and a whole darned year after birth."
"One of my primal fears is developing cancer and I therefore don’t want to talk about it, not even think about it."
"I caught myself one morning staring into space for a long time. I almost started crying on the underground. In the office, I just wanted to crawl under the desk."
"I suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, found a relatively large, dark red lump of something on the toilet paper in my hand."